Nice pair.

Nice pair.

I can already hear your offense from a mile away. “But John! OMG AVOCADOS ARE AMAZING! CALIFORNIA BAJA FRESH EXTREME WRAPS!! CHIPS AND DIP! FACERUBS! ORGANIC FREE RANGE BUTTPLUGS!

I get it. Avocados can be great. Taylor Swift is great, but people break up with her all the time. Sometimes it just ain’t working out. So yeah, avocados are swell in some ways, but I’m breaking up with them. Here’s why.

A. Tell me one other item in a grocery store that is NEVER ripe enough or is always too ripe. Bananas often come in green, but there are usually some that are ripe enough to eat. If it’s a little green, it might be fine by morning, and most of us do our shopping in the evenings. Nighttime is a good time to eat avocados. But you can’t… ever, because ripe avocados in a grocery store at 5:45 pm only exist in the dreams of unicorns. All those little green bastards are as hard as golf balls or as soft and mealy as the crabapples you used to steal from that old man’s yard and hurl at your friends as you walked home from school.

B. I once googled to find the etymology of the word avocado, thinking the word sounded a lot like the French and Spanish words for lawyer, but that didn’t seem like a clear connection. So, what, were they discovered by the conquistador Juan Jose Luis de Avocado? I had to know. Turns out the word comes from the Nahuatl (Aztec) word ahuacatl, which means… wait for it… testicle. And you’re thinking… and you’re thinking… and yep now it’s making sense. What is the best thing you can make with an avocado? Guacamole, obviously. Mole is the Nahuatl word for sauce

Ahuacatl + Mole = Ahuacamole…Spanishized into Guacamole…

So yeah, Guacamole literally means testicle sauce.

How’s that dip tasting? Is it creamy? Little bit salty? Did you add enough cayenne? Still wanna smear that on your turkey sandwich?

Oh and by the way, if the idea of eating testicle sauce DOES appeal to you for its proven nutritional benefits, here is a cockbook… pardon me, cookbook that may interest you.

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C. Once you do FINALLY get that perfectly ripe avocado — either by letting it ripen for days as you bathe it in champagne on a bed of tulip petals, or by elbowing an old lady in the face for it in the store — and you cut that baby open…the MOMENT the flesh makes contact with air it’s like that scene at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where the secret Nazi guy drank from the wrong cup.

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D. When you have a kid, a lot of things change. Maybe you don’t have a kid, so this might be something I’ll claim just for myself, but poop takes a much larger role in your life. Not in a good way. Not sure if there could be a good way, but anyways, avocados are a handy thing to feed your kid because they are packed with nutrition and kids seem to like them. And that’s the ever-changing target that parents who give a shit about their kids are trying to hit. But when a child eats avocados… let’s just say it… it looks the same as guacamole coming out. If you were still on the fence about any of this, that might seal the deal. Basically, I recommend that you choose between avocados or having children.

E. Avocados are grown mainly in semi-arid regions in California and Mexico, areas that are struggling to find water and are hugely at risk for tribulations of the climatic variety. What does that mean? It means the already hefty price of avocados is only going higher. Ain’t no one got money for that. And do you know how much water it takes to make one avocado? 91 gallons! So every time I want to make guac, I gotta use up hundreds of gallons of water from an already drought ravaged area.

If you still wanna cling to that wrinkled green lizard testicle the way a junkie clenches a racquetball as they find a vein, I won’t judge you for it. But as for me…

I’m fucking over it.

So, since I am breaking up with avocados, I might as well pass along my bomb-ass guacamole recipe.

Two Avocados. Remove the flesh. Mash like crazy with fork or a potato masher. Whip until creamy, but leave some lumps. Add a quarter cup very finely chopped red onions. Take a lime and put it in the microwave for just long enough to get it hot, roll it on the counter, then slice in half and squeeze. You’ll be amazed there was that much juice in a lime. Salt, garlic powder, paprika and cayenne to taste. With each bite, imagine that you are taking a cup of cool water out of the hands of ten dehydrated, dust-caked children orphaned by the coming Calpocalypse.